[ profile ]
Name:
Nicknames: tsinhee, chinee
Birthday: Sept. 10, 1988
[ hilig ]
music (rock), movies, anime, internet, drawing, computer, PS -some rpg
love animals :)
[ ayaw ]
ayoko sa mga taong nagkukunwari.. magpakatotoo nalng tyong lahat!
ayoko sa mga magpanghusga...
ayoko ng mga social climbers...
don't like cheesy luv stories
hate crappy non-sense horror movies
Email me:
chichiri78@hotmail.com
betrayed_stigma@yahoo.com
raechellanne@yahoo.com
[ Sulat ]
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
i ain't pretty.
at least that's how i've been feeling these past few years. especially when sofomor year started. everything isn't pretty right now. they're not all that bad but they're not pretty.
so what's with Pretty? well... let's just say i always had a notion, a vision, at the back of my mind that my future was pretty. pretty damn good. it wouldn't be perfect (duh..) but i envisioned success, an elevated lifesytle, a unique living. i always thought i would be good. yes i confess. i may be a humble person but behind that is something in me that hates to lose (yet expects to), that believes great things wait ahead (yet is pessimistic about them).
pretty = elite.
elite = triumph
triumph = happiness
that's pretty much the formula i think my mind has been following and formulating all these years. i don't know if i should be glad about it.
i seem to think that if everything is so nice and perfect around all the aspects of my life then i'll be happy. i don't need to be rich but i don't want to be average. i don't need to be beautiful but i expect to be pretty. i don't need to be a socialite yet i don't want to be entirely disconnected. i don't need to get the perfect job but i want to be at the top of my game. i don't need to be a dean's lister but i want to be special. i don't expect to be a genius but i expect to be able to do most anything (except maybe sports). i just always want to come off pretty. never flawed or at least only minor flaws
i don't like the scars on my skin. i don't like my blemished face. i don't like my room which is starting to turn dirty. i don't like the way i live right now which is full of complications and inconveniences. i don't like my course exactly. i don't like what i'm writing now. i don't like how i've been living. i don't like ugly.
i want a home. i want a face. i want to be with my family. i want to be appreciated. i want to dream and make those dreams come true. i want things to be pretty.
i want to be better than others. yes its selfish. but i think i was raised that way or if not life seemed to rear me in that manner. in Saudi, those were a few years of unrelenting prettiness. No blemishes, no scars, no ordinary there. It may not be perfect but at least i had a home. i was with my family. i was popular. i was a winner. i felt good.
and then back at the philippines, it began. elite schools all the way. no wonder i started feeling so ugly, so ordinary, so useless. elite people everywhere. so seemingly perfect. so pretty. and unconsciously i think i've been vying for that. i may not be able to do it. but i want to. i want to be that lovely, smart, and successful working woman in the future who knows people and goes places. i want to be a Big Fish in the Big World not just in my small pond.
how many times did i say pretty? pretty damn irritating isn't it? hehe.
well bottom line:
i expect too much. i expect to much from life. i expect too much from myself. i want to be a winner. i try so hard. and the saddest part is when you try and you succeed but you don't really get what you wanted in the first place. there are many things, qualities i have right now that i would gladly exchange for something i find more useful, more desirable. other people would envy what i already have but i don't really see their use. so what if i could play the guitar and piano its not like anyone listens. so what if im creative and artistic its not like its seen or put to use. so what if i get good grades its not going to determine my place in that future. so what if i'm in Ateneo will that guarantee me happiness? so what if i have a perfect family i'm not with them anyway. so what? what?
PS: nagdadrama ako ngaun dahil:
i just spent more than 12 hours cramming for a report others just finished in one sitting. i missed eco for that report. i feel harassed. i have insect bites all over me and i don't think they're really Just normal bites (scary...). i can't rest because we still have theo quiz. my face is starting to blemish again. i haven't eaten well in days. i feel defeated and i don't know what to do. i think i've lost control just now and i hate that! and finally.. its just been long since i've felt miserable.
+ [ tsinhEE ] n a n d 2 p a + Buwahahahaha!;) 11:38 PM